Coming out on the other side of divorce intact takes time, curiosity, self-compassion, support, courage and determination.
When I say “intact” I mean able to stay in your goodness and wholeness as a person, not shutting down too much of yourself because you are in pain or self-critical. Transitions are about going from one way of identifying yourself in life, to another. Often we don’t know where we are going and we have to trust in ourselves. Most divorces are devastating to women and men because we struggle to stay connected to our goodness —the pain causes us to doubt and mistrust ourselves. We are too attached to each other (our partners) and not attached enough to ourselves. We fall apart like Humpty Dumpty and we struggle to put ourselves back together again. It’s often such a painful and messy struggle, unless ….we get some tools to help us slow down and observe this pain and learn to grow from it and support to hold us in our inherent goodness. That’s what I’m here to help you learn how to do: Learn how to hold yourself in your own wholeness and goodness. Are you courageous enough to take the plunge?
So how do we get “attached to ourselves?” 2 tools I have used that continue to provide this connection are: Mindful Self-Compassion and IFS – learning about your parts, both the ones you love and the ones you hate.
Mindfulness & Self-Compassion: Creates Acceptance and Reconciliation within yourself — a healing container for all parts of you to be acknowledged and loved.
Only by letting yourself drift in the pain of disconnection after your divorce, can you observe your patterns and discover your deepest connection to yourself. Did you hear that? Can you slow down the racing thoughts trying to solve and resist the pain right now? So often, we just jump right back into another relationship so that we don’t have to feel what’s really going on. The deep pain of what we didn’t get from our parents, what we haven’t been able to get in a relationship yet, and the longing that we don’t want to feel because we don’t believe we’ll ever get it met. Ugh! That’s painful.
In my work, I teach you how to create a “Container of Self-Compassion” that you can feel supported by and can help you hold the pain as you begin to feel it.
The learning is in the opportunity to experience these painful feelings with yourself first and come out the other side knowing you can handle it all by yourself. And if you let yourself drop into it … to really slow down and feel it…you can learn so much about yourself!! This self-discovery is the gift of transitions like divorce and many others.
Can you allow yourself the space and time to really get to know yourself fully? Take time to be with yourself and drop into the emotions and feel them? Feel your body and your heart and the fullness of your humanity and witness yourself with compassion? This takes support and courage and I’m here to offer that to you if you are ready.
IFS is an opportunity to learn all about your different parts and the roles that they take in your life and your relationships: The ones you love AND the ones you hate. The ones that cause you problems we want to be most curious about!
That is what IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy) teaches you — how to get connected to all the parts of you that attach to your significant other and before to your parents. Usually these relationship parts are all about helping you find connection. However, sometimes the connection you have had isn’t what you want to keep having, right? We get stuck in a pattern and suddenly we realize it’s not working for us anymore. IFS is a way to see that you have other possibilities for connection that maybe you haven’t discovered before that may be healthier and more productive for you. It’s a powerful tool for couples or partners looking for how to make a healthy relationship work because it gives you clarity about what you need and how to create it. It takes the guesswork out of what you think “went wrong” or what you feel you need to change. It helps you learn how to be responsible for you and what you need to feel intact or whole in a relationship and how to begin a dialogue about creating this balance between you and your partner. You’d be amazed at the roadmap IFS affords you about what you’ve been struggling with your whole life and how to make your life different.
You can learn these tools in my groups for Women in Transition this year. My Woman’s Self Compassion Group starts this week and you can still join these women learning to bring kindness to their pain. Or, join my Daylong Retreat on October 22nd: Restore Your Vitality at Midlife: Mindfulness & Nutrition Tips for Powerful Women. Here’s the link to sign up: Space is limited so sign up now!
If you are looking for a Woman’s group where you can explore these tools and support, try my Rebirthing the New Authentic You in February 2017. Here’s the link for the Rebirthing Group….
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